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The Lighter Side
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Tue Sep 12, 2006 1:40 pm    Post subject: The Lighter Side Reply with quote

We all get jokes via email so's how 'bout we share some:
======
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need
More butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful..CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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ffishman
Master Angler


Joined: 02 Feb 2006
Posts: 1977

PostPosted: Tue Sep 12, 2006 1:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good one gene
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2006 3:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heading into the weekend in about 15 mins, and just got this one from a friend. Read Rules 1 thru 4 slowly, then bust a gut on number 5:

Subject: Rules For A Happier Life

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO ACHIEVE A HAPPIER LIFE............

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other
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ffishman
Master Angler


Joined: 02 Feb 2006
Posts: 1977

PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2006 5:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another winner! Keep'em coming gene.
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ffishman
Master Angler


Joined: 02 Feb 2006
Posts: 1977

PostPosted: Sat Sep 23, 2006 4:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Blue duck, I have heard that one before, but it still gives me a chuckle when I see it
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ffishman
Master Angler


Joined: 02 Feb 2006
Posts: 1977

PostPosted: Sun Sep 24, 2006 7:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, I got one for you. What are the three words that you HATE to hear when you are making love? Honey I'm home
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Col Ron, Guide
Moderator


Joined: 03 Feb 2006
Posts: 1438
Location: Bull Shoals, Ar/ Beecher, Il

PostPosted: Mon Sep 25, 2006 6:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Let's stay between the lines here guys.........
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The Texan
Master Angler


Joined: 03 Feb 2006
Posts: 1503
Location: Pike Hole

PostPosted: Mon Sep 25, 2006 7:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Put 'em in timeout Colonel Twisted Evil

Texan
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Tue Sep 26, 2006 10:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Geez, I go away a few days and there's trouble a brewin':
====
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of his angels and sent the angel to earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good." God was not pleased. So he decided to email the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the email said?

No?
Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either.
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Mon Oct 02, 2006 9:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Do your kids "negotiate" with you too?
=============
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked
everywhere they went?"
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Fri Oct 06, 2006 10:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Is it any wonder who wears the pants at home?
============
Subject: Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading a new book titled, "You Can Be the Man of Your House!"

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you
need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands.

Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."
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carpy52
BaitCaster


Joined: 04 Apr 2006
Posts: 241
Location: New Lenox IL.

PostPosted: Tue Oct 10, 2006 6:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks to Medicade?

===============================================

A couple in thier 80 went to see thier doctor for the regular physical. Blood work, x-rays and the works. Couple days later the Doctor calls and ask the husband to come in he want to dicuss the results with him and only him. This has the old guy a little upset but he goes straight down and sees him.

Doctor explains there was a little mixup at the lab and it concerned his wife, well this throw the ole guy in a tissy and he yells what you mean a mix up.

Doctor says the blood work got mixed up with some other ladies and thier not sure but thier might be a big problem either she has alzhimers or aids. This got the ole fellow worried sick but doc says not to worry that he has a solution to the problem. The old guy looks him in the eye and says what is that, and doc says.














Take her down town and drop her off, if she finds her way home don't have sex with her. Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Fri Oct 27, 2006 10:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

If there aren't many Priests up there, I ain't got a prayer!
===========================================
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out", and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't workout? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" shouts St. Peter. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER?"
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Col Ron, Guide
Moderator


Joined: 03 Feb 2006
Posts: 1438
Location: Bull Shoals, Ar/ Beecher, Il

PostPosted: Fri Oct 27, 2006 12:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like it!!
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Grouch
Angler


Joined: 02 Sep 2006
Posts: 471
Location: Park Forest,IL

PostPosted: Fri Oct 27, 2006 2:14 pm    Post subject: old Reply with quote

Do you people get your jokes from Bob Hope or the 3 Stooges?
OLD, OLD, and OLD!!!
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