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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Fri Jan 05, 2007 10:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another good reason to drink:
======================
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or
anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Fri Jan 05, 2007 10:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Chicago area senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of
the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying
the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-57, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then
120. Upon passing 130 mph he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this,"
and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his
watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you
can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let
you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a
Illinois State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Thu Jan 11, 2007 1:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Kids say the darndest things:
=====================

Jesse Jackson, while visiting a primary school class, found himself in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.

Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Thu Jan 11, 2007 2:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Gene,

You naughty fellow, I'm sure the Reverend will ask for a boycott of you and yours!!!! Evil or Very Mad Evil or Very Mad
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Thu Jan 11, 2007 2:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, I was a little concerned, but I went on ahead.
I can only suggest to replace Rev with whoever your fav is, maybe GWB?
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Bob Thompson
Angler


Joined: 20 Feb 2006
Posts: 319
Location: Riverdale, Utah

PostPosted: Thu Jan 11, 2007 3:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

gene, on your "kids say the darndest things" I hope this one hasn't been posted:

It seems as though little Jane and Johnny were having a health class in a second grade Catholic grammer school and the question of unwanted pregnancy came up and little Janey said: sister, can my mother get pregnant?, and the nun replied: well yes Janey I imagine she could. To which little Janey said: well sister, can my sister get pregnant and the nun replied: how old is she Jane?, and little Janey replied, 15, and the nun said, yes Jane I supposed she could. Then little Janey said wellllll sister, can I get pregnant?, and the shocked nun replied with an emphatic, no of course not Janey and with that little Janey jumped up, turned around and shouted "see Johnny I told you there was nothing to worry about!!!" The times they are a changing.
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 9:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, Bob, the times they are a changin'...

More from "the Kids"
===============
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
***********************************************A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant
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ffishman
Master Angler


Joined: 02 Feb 2006
Posts: 1977

PostPosted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 8:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Never heard the fire hydrant one before, very good. Gave me a good chuckle.
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 11:38 am    Post subject: YOU KNOW YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF....... Reply with quote

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You burn your yard rather than mow it..

3. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

4. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

5. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

6. You can spit without opening your mouth.

7. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it

8. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

9. You missed your 5 th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

10.You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Fri Jan 26, 2007 9:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her
car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the
window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the
blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door.
The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 1:38 pm    Post subject: R vs D Reply with quote

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person. The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republicanís pocket and got out twenty dollars. He kept $15 for administrative fees and gave the homeless person five. Now you understand the difference between Republicans & Democrats.
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 3:15 pm    Post subject: The Pompous One Reply with quote

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting
at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new
position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter,
then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon
and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good
wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he
asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir, the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your
telephone." Shocked
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Fri Mar 23, 2007 9:24 am    Post subject: FISH STORY FOR THE GROUCH Reply with quote

Cajun Fishing


Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie. Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit.
He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him hada real good grip on his haid, yeh.
Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan.
He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.
A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin, wif two more frogs.

Life is Good on de Bayou Very Happy
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carpy52
BaitCaster


Joined: 04 Apr 2006
Posts: 241
Location: New Lenox IL.

PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 10:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Speaking of life on the Bayou, not sure if you all might know this guy but he use to have a cooking show on the food channel and it was all about Bayou cooking and the such, his name was Justin Wilson, but what you probley don't know is that he was one of the orginal Cajun standup comics, if the ole fart is alive he has to be a hundred by now. My dad had a album of his from 1958 and I took it one time about 20 yr ago to a big housewares show in Chicago and had him sign it. He was surprised that anyone from up north had one and I told him how much I enjoyed his sense of humor.

Anyways he tell this one story about this ole boy named Clem. Now ole Clem he lived out in the deepest part of the bayou and ran himslef a still and he would come into town to sell his shin he would carry a bunch of cigars in his pocket and sell them along with a jug is need be. Now there be ole Nubb, he be a right friendly fella and always got tickle when he seen ole Clem come into town cause he just loved to walk up to Clem and slap him on the chest breaking every dang cigar that he had in his pocket and then laugh like a child.

One day I spotted ole Clem docking his skiff down at the edge of the bayou and next thing I see him do is grab a sack filled with dyomite and strap it to his chest. Now this looks right dangourious to me so I walk up and say to him," Clem why for you got a sack of dyomite straped to your chest?" He look me straight in the eye and say," You know Justin even time I come to town ole Nub he run up to me to buy a jug of shin then he go and slap me on the chest and break every dang cigar which i got in my pocket then walk away laughing like a child?" I tell him sure I seen him do that to him a few times but why the dyomite, Ole Clem look at me and said,"well this time when he slap me on the chest, I going to blow his dam hand off"

Seems to be a little over kill don't ya think?????
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Clark
Master Angler


Joined: 03 Feb 2006
Posts: 561
Location: north side of Cass Lake

PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 10:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fixed it for ya Carpy
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