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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Fri Oct 27, 2006 2:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Grouch, methinks you are living up to your handle again.
Now, how did you know it must be an old one? That one I just posted came from an 80+ yr old guy. I'm only 50, and I never heard it before.

Heard this one before though:
Whaddaya call 3 old grouches on the bottom of Cass Lake?
A good start....nyuk,nyuk.
EDITNOTE:And I'm sure you seen this sign around before:


Now, even though I did like Hope and I LOVED the Stooges (you shoulda seen me do the Curly Shuffle one time in the back of my buddie's Jaws Boat), I am up for a new joke, and I don't care where/who it comes from, so lay it on us anytime-but keep it clean. You wanna get to those pearly gates, don'cha?
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carpy52
BaitCaster


Joined: 04 Apr 2006
Posts: 241
Location: New Lenox IL.

PostPosted: Fri Oct 27, 2006 2:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

[/b]AWWWWWWWWWW Gene your going straight to hell for that one gollllliiiiieeeee. Sha zam.

Not really but here is a funny one that happened with me and a priest. When Father Martin Jeno was released from being held captive over in Lebonan I along with about 15 of my closest associates decided that since the Federal Goverment said that once Father hit the airport in Chicago he wasn't going to have any security around him. Being as Father has known me since since Hector was a pup and a friend of the family and got me through some rough times when I got outta the military and what I went through there I figured it was time to pay the man back.

The Local PD gave me card blanche and half the guys were off duty cop friends of mine anyway so when they got a death threat on Father, we tighten the riens and had another 20 guys offer thier sercives so that Father would have 24/7 coverage. Anyways after the parade and and reception at the Ralito we set up over at his Sister May's house where Father would be staying. Luckily it was on a dead end and a feild backed it up and gave us a great secure place for him. That night Father decided he wants to talk to the press which was outside and I mean there had to be 20 trucks from every news station outta Chicago and all the national media. Father gave me a list of about 10 newsmen that he wanted me to go out and invite to the back deck but the stipulation was it was to all be off the record and no camera's or recorders were to be brought back there and I had the right to body search each and every one. Only one guy wouldn't go along with it. There was Joel Daly, Walter Jacobson, Andy Shaw and a few others I won't mention one being that guy with the funny mustache that has over the years made a big ass outta himself.

We were all sitting around having a drink and the such and Father greeted them all and thanked them personally for what ever they had did to help him and the family over the past year. As we sat down Father patted the seat next to him and told me to come sit next to him, I tried to beg off as I had things I wanted to check on before we settled in for the night but Father would have none of it and grabbed my hand and pulled me into the seat and said, "It's time you relax alittle before you fall down, now sit and have a drink with me and talk to these gentlemen I know they are interested and knowing just who you are." I had pretty much ducked the press the last 3 days not answering any questions and keeping a low profile. One of his nephews was acting as bartender and brought Father and I a drink then started getting them for the rest of our guess. Things were going pretty well and I was still ducking questions when I looked over Joel Daly's head and saw something I had almost forgot about.

I asked them all if they had ever heard of the UFO's that could be seen from the back porch of May's house??? Talk about getting everyones attention. I started to make up a story about how they were attacted to a local church about a block away that you could see the steple of. Heads started to turn and search for the church steple. Just as they all located it (its lit by spot light, and is cover in copper) sure enought there was a streak of gold go from the bottom to the top. I yelled "There's one now" Fathers hand went immediality to my thigh and he started to pinch me. Then another streak and another. These guys were going nuts getting up and started to head for the stairs to go get thier cameramen. Father leaned over and said to me as he continued to pinch my thigh harder." Now tell them the truth, don't go teasing them like that." I tried to resist but between the pinching of my thigh which at that time felt like I was being stabbed and Fathers pleading I broke up laughing and had to tell them the truth.

I told them all to relax and sit back down and Father chimed in and said that I wasn't being quite truthful with them and would explain about the gold streaks. Being as this steple is about 80 tall and lit up like a Christmas tree it attackes alot of bugs, and the streaks they were seeing we actually Bats chaseing those bugs and the gold came off the reflection of the copper and it just looked cool is all. Luckily most of them took the joke pretty well but a couple didn't find the humor in it at all. And the only thing I got was a good laugh and one hell of a bruise on my inner thigh and the knowledge that these guys wouldn't be asking me any questions from then on.

I spent the next 3 years going with Father to alot of events and got to meet alot of wonderful if not colorful people. Terry Waite, Ben Wier and Jesse Jackson just to name a few. Even went to a Sunday service at Operation Push and a dinner afterwards that had something funny happy at it. Jesse Jackson is a pretty nice guy and really funny as long as there are no new cameras around but he sure could use a better security force some of them are not top notch but more about that later maybe......
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Fri Oct 27, 2006 3:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That is a much better story than one I could ever tell Carpy.
Those are some real names you were dropping in that one.

The true stories are many times better than the made-up ones.
Thanks for sharing that. Just proves you are a real fisherman, able to fib with the best of us. Glad you did your penance (Father's pinching was it!) and could sleep well at night from then on.
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ffishman
Master Angler


Joined: 02 Feb 2006
Posts: 1977

PostPosted: Fri Oct 27, 2006 8:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good joke gene, great story carpy! Now, for grouch, man, you got to be wound tight. As for me, my memory is going, so when I hear a joke its like I heard it for the first time. As I age, I appreicate life, fleeting as it is, ever more. We have to laugh a lot, starting with laughing at ourselves first. I am 59 and it seems like yesterday I was 21. Where has the time gone. Grouch, if you want to hear some old jokes, just let me know I have a ton. Did you hear the one about the traveling salesman and the farmers daughter.........................
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carpy52
BaitCaster


Joined: 04 Apr 2006
Posts: 241
Location: New Lenox IL.

PostPosted: Sat Oct 28, 2006 8:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Speaking of traveling salesmen. We all know how they start with the car breaking down. To bad with todays plane travel and the internet those stories are starting to fall by the way side.

Anyways, the car breaks down and he goes up to the farm house and the farmer says he can spend the night but the only place he can sleep is in the bed with his 19 yr old daughter and she was beautiful. The farmer told him he was going to put a line of eggs down the center of the bed and if any were broke in the morning he had a shotgun just waiting.

We''ll they get in bed and sure enough nature takes it's course and when thier threw the salesman is freaking out about the eggs. The daughter tells him not to worry she will fix everything and to go to sleep which he does.

The salesman wakes up the next morning and the daughter is gone and the eggs are gone so he dress and heads down to the kitchen for a cut of coffee. As he enter the kitchen he spies a shotgun laying next to the stove where the farmer is truning bacon. He ask how the salesman slept and he says fine eyeing the shotgun all the while. The farmer finishes with the bacon and reaches over into this basket and grabs a egg and crackes it open on the side of the pan and nothing comes out. He gets a wierd look on his face and grabs another egg crackes it same thing, then another and another and another. He finally reached down and grabs the shotgun. The salesman is shaking in his shoes and says Now listen nothing happened, what you going to do with that shotgun.

Oh its not for you says the farmer, I'm just going out and kill that rooster thats using rubbers is all.

Now there's a old joke.
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Sat Oct 28, 2006 6:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Grouch, if you do post a bit of wry humor, just make sure it will be ok to tell during Sunday mornings service or it will simply disappear. The Colonel runs a tough censorship program daily.
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Mon Oct 30, 2006 12:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That is a good way to look at it Blueduck - but I think Sunday worship might be a bit too harsh! I think the overall test in use is more like if it would be okay in our minds for our 12 yr old daughter to read. That is pretty close to Sunday worship though. On the other hand, if there are 12 yr old girls reading the fishing forum, well, I just wanna know where they were 20 yrs ago? Oops, I gotta start saying 30 yrs now I guess.
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 2:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Stay true to your spouse, or else:
==========================
A man was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to, " his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Fri Nov 10, 2006 11:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

AMERICAN SURGEONS


Five American Surgeons are discussing who makes
the best patients to
operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants
on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside
is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything
Inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think
librarians are the best;
Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like
construction workers...those Guys always understand when you
have a few parts left
over."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he
observed: "You are all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no
heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the
head and the butt are
interchangeable."
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Fri Nov 10, 2006 11:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

How appropo Blueduck....I likes it!
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Fri Nov 10, 2006 12:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her
faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a young leopard
heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep-doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to
chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard
is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one
delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the
leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must
be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and
thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits
down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and
just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that **** monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
leopard!

Moral of this story....... ......

Don't mess with old farts, for age and treachery will always overcome youth
and skill! Bull$$$$ and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Sat Nov 11, 2006 1:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dead Boss

A guy phones up his boss' house, but gets the boss' wife instead. He asks to speak to her husband.

"I'm afraid he died earlier today," she says.

The next day, the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you," the wife replies, "he died yesterday."

The next day, he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time, the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I've already told you twice that he died. Why do you keep calling?"

"Because," he replies, laughing, "I just love hearing it!"
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ffishman
Master Angler


Joined: 02 Feb 2006
Posts: 1977

PostPosted: Sat Nov 11, 2006 3:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good one blueduck, I know just where that guy was coming from. If it was me I would have done the same thing. When I retired, the boss I had was one of the biggest jerks ever. I would describe him in more detail, but I know that post would get dusted.
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carpy52
BaitCaster


Joined: 04 Apr 2006
Posts: 241
Location: New Lenox IL.

PostPosted: Sun Nov 12, 2006 11:24 am    Post subject: A bit of the Irish Reply with quote

Patty had spent the night at the pub with his mates and was sloshed to the gills be it. After staggering home and removing his shoes before entering the house as to not wake his wife Brigget he made it all the way to the stair case before problems arouse. As he reached for the railing it moved he swore it and he did a half turn and landed on his butt on the first stair. This is when he remembered the two pints of whiskey he had in each back pocket. The pain was intense but he bit his lip and headed to the medician cabinet and grabbed a box of bandades.
He went over to the full length mirror in the halll and dropped his pants and looked over his shoulder at the damage that had been done. A thousand little cuts but nothing major so he procceded to put them one at a time on his now throbing rear end. Once finished he stumbled up the stairs and fell asleep.

He was awaked but Bridget yelling his name and cursing him. He didn't know what hurt worst his head or his butt so he crawled outta bed and walked to the head of the stairs and yelled, "Woman you have no sense. Why are you yelling so??"

Bridget looked up from the bottom of the stairs and said, "So you came home drunk agian?" Patty denied it, Well said Bridget why is there glass at the bottom of the stairs and blood. and I know you were drunk. Patty acted astonded and asked how could she say such a thing. Bridget pointed at the full length mirror and said," By the bandages on the mirror!!"
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 3:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A coupla Blonde quickies:
========
Why don't Blondes eat pickles?
.
.
.

Can't figure out how to get their head in the jar!

+++++++++

The mating call of a blonde:
.
.
.
.
"I'm sooooooo drunk"!
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