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ffishman
Master Angler


Joined: 02 Feb 2006
Posts: 1977

PostPosted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 5:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was great Ron. And I think I did see gene, not sure.
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 8:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now thats funny, I don't care who you are.

I'm sure I saw Gene several times and the Grouch at least twice.
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 5:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinkingproblem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney turned pale and nearly fell out of his seat.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
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Col Ron, Guide
Moderator


Joined: 03 Feb 2006
Posts: 1438
Location: Bull Shoals, Ar/ Beecher, Il

PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 9:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR





If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police man's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'



Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'



Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'



Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'



Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'



Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.



















--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Tue Apr 22, 2008 1:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't know how I missed that one Ron.
Quite appropro for your old line of work.
-----
Mad Wife Disease......
-----
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," She replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," He explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "What the heck was that for?"
She replied......."Your horse called."
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Col Ron, Guide
Moderator


Joined: 03 Feb 2006
Posts: 1438
Location: Bull Shoals, Ar/ Beecher, Il

PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2008 8:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is so wierd, it is outrageous!!!

The "Lenigrad Cowboys & The Red Army Choir"

Col Ron


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lNFRLrP014
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 12:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I go fishing on Fridays.'
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 4:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy,"and that's why I'm in
such good shape." I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." "Have a glass of vino, and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that's why he's still alive ... he's Italian and he's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?" "He's still akick'n."

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 2:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"The Republican Fisherman "

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her
altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct , but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault
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Gowdy
Angler


Joined: 03 Feb 2006
Posts: 335
Location: OUTER SPACE

PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 1:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The best one of all time!!!!!!!!
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ffishman
Master Angler


Joined: 02 Feb 2006
Posts: 1977

PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 5:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started....


***********************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....



***************************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

and then the fight started.....




***************************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 8:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote


Free Haircut



One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he
asked about his bill and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was
pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor came in for a haircut, and when he
tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept
money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor
was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber opened his shop, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your
Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and
left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress. -

Vote carefully this year
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Grouch
Angler


Joined: 02 Sep 2006
Posts: 471
Location: Park Forest,IL

PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 7:03 pm    Post subject: Election fish-Off Reply with quote

Presidential Race

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win.. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.
Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.
After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .
There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.
That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'
The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John Mc. cheating?'
Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice!'
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

And that, my friends, is why I would not ever vote for a terrorist.
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 10:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just found this on another site and can not stop laughing
-------------------
THE MOPED
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old,
pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car
and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right . . . but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show
the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He was feeling pretty good until he looked in his mirror and saw the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari,
demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor; is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror."
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