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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Fri May 25, 2007 9:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lots of good ones in there Blue.
My favorite was the camera though.
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 11:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, most of us won't be at work next week:
===============
A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby.
"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America !"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No!"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Wed Jun 06, 2007 12:58 pm    Post subject: JUST A LITTLE OFF COLOR Reply with quote

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle
of catching one, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to
answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in
deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying
they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's
date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove
two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the
father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man
insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took the young man
out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's
so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when
he grows older?"

The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, I hope our son in-law."
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Wed Jun 06, 2007 1:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't ever dare tell me I'm bad again, Blue Very Happy
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Grouch
Angler


Joined: 02 Sep 2006
Posts: 471
Location: Park Forest,IL

PostPosted: Thu Jun 07, 2007 2:57 pm    Post subject: One for the Tree Hugger Reply with quote

Never Leave Your Nuts Alone
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"
The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Thu Jun 07, 2007 3:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was too cute Grouch


"Nuts" said the Queen. "If I had two I'd be...."
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2007 9:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What, you ask, is "Butt Dust"? Read on and you'll discover the joy in a child's sincere originality. No adult is this creative!!
==============
1. JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

2. MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

3. STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

4. BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

5. SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

6. DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

7. MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

8. CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

9. JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

10. TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

11. The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget: "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued, but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2007 9:33 am    Post subject: WISDOM of AGE Reply with quote

A guy is 89 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more pleasure than you could ever have dreamed of."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you pleasures like you have never had. Don't you want that?"

The oldster opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Headaches
=========
Clarence was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was
increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news in that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove your testicles."

Clarence was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need-a new suit." He entered the shop and told the tailor, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly Jewish tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see-size 48 long."

Clarence laughed. "That's right, but how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Clarence tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Clarence admired
himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Clarence thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The tailor eyed Clarence and said, "Let's see--34 sleeve and 17 and a half neck."

Clarence was surprised,, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Clarence tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Clarence
adjusted the collar in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about new shoes?" Clarence was on a roll and said, Sure.

The tailor eyed Clarence's feet and said, "Let's see--9 1/2 ...E."

Clarence was astonished. "How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Clarence tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Clarence walked comfortably around the shop and the tailor asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Clarence thought for a second, and said, "Sure."

The tailor stepped back, eyed Clarence's waist and said-"Let's see -- size 40."

Clarence laughed, "Aha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The elderly Jewish tailor shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you headaches."
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2007 2:54 pm    Post subject: SHOULD HAVE WENT FISHING Reply with quote

AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S ACCIDENT REPORT

This is possibly the funniest story in a long while. It is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the
Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.

Apparently, this is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received
a Darwin Award for sure. While I do understand it is unkind to laugh at the
plight of others, this is too funny to stay somber.

```````````````````````````````````````````````

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of
my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following
details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I
found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found
to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on
the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out
and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding
it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135
lbs. Due to my surprise at being yanked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in
section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my
rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two
knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed
approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of
bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were *******.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let
go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey
back down onto me. This explains two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.
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Brady D
SpinCaster


Joined: 27 Oct 2006
Posts: 41

PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 10:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think you guys might enjoy these Laughing Laughing

The 2007 Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended
victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.



And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer . . . $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. (*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER)

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family ... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 10:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A guy robs a bank and takes hostages. In the course of the robbery his mask slips off. He asks one of the hostages, “Did you see my face?”

The hostage answers yes, and the robber shoots him. Then the robber turns to the second hostage. “Did you see my face?”

“No, but my wife did ...”
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 12:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The institution of marriage
===================
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere....
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go
for our anniversary.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late
for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust!'
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ffishman
Master Angler


Joined: 02 Feb 2006
Posts: 1977

PostPosted: Thu Mar 13, 2008 4:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good ones gene.
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Col Ron, Guide
Moderator


Joined: 03 Feb 2006
Posts: 1438
Location: Bull Shoals, Ar/ Beecher, Il

PostPosted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 5:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You got to watch this one!! If you look closely, you might see Gene docking his boat at the "Hole"..........Enjoy



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMD3jmUgnbQ&feature=related
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