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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 1:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Carpy,

I remember him well, used to watch him all the time on his cooking show. He was very generous with the wine and "onunns" when making a cajun dish.

Sad to say he is no longer with us. He passed away in 2001 I believe.

One of his catch phrases among many was "I gar-own-tee!".
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 6:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Come on "crazies" its Friday evening and I have just been told I must work tomorrow. Someone must have a joke that could at least make me smile.
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Mon Apr 09, 2007 5:49 am    Post subject: TRADEIN OR....... Reply with quote

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter...either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires! Embarassed Embarassed
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 10:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upsid e down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you idiot!"

The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Fri Apr 20, 2007 8:59 am    Post subject: OKAY ITS FRIDAY Reply with quote

Job Application

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''

"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager. "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'''
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Grouch
Angler


Joined: 02 Sep 2006
Posts: 471
Location: Park Forest,IL

PostPosted: Fri Apr 20, 2007 11:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Texas Peaches
A Texas Rancher was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 40 something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 1:27 pm    Post subject: All Blondes are Beautiful Reply with quote

An aging blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He
thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to
clarify the point

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note
asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with
milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my neck. I can splash it on my eyes."
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ffishman
Master Angler


Joined: 02 Feb 2006
Posts: 1977

PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 6:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey BD, I like most of your jokes, but that last one has whiskers.
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2007 12:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A comment on current events:
======================

The Ant and the Grasshopper:


OLD VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!



************************************************************

MODERN VERSION:


The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.



MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote.
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MuskyMark
Master Angler


Joined: 03 Feb 2006
Posts: 604
Location: Elgin, IL

PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2007 2:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Geno! I'd laugh.... if it wasn't so close to the truth. Confused
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djp1964
SpinCaster


Joined: 13 Sep 2006
Posts: 22
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2007 3:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Friday funny... hope this does not offend anyone....

Doctor Duncan had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

"Duncan , don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering:

"Duncan , you're a vet.." Razz
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2007 3:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

djp,
Good one.
That one probably only offends animal lovers, PETA, ....
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Thu May 10, 2007 9:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Irish Gas Station
++++++++++++
Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is... "Top o' the mornin to ya".
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything."
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Gowdy 1
SpinCaster


Joined: 30 Mar 2007
Posts: 36
Location: Outer Space

PostPosted: Thu May 10, 2007 2:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Geno,

That is a classic!!!!!

Gowdy Laughing
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Fri May 25, 2007 8:10 am    Post subject: THE FUTURE Reply with quote

NEWS TIDBITS FROM YEAR 2030


Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White
minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third
language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops
and livestock. Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the
Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon). Iran
still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years
before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global
help after being taken over by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally,
but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says
he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces
mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and
Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to
250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed,
they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Massachusetts
executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political
contributions to campaign accounts. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75
percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines
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