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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 10:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just might do that....at least I'd be rooting for a first place team then......
-------
WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES...

Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:
> Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.
> They said the Pabst beer is normal.
> I didn't know you liked beer.
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The Texan
Master Angler


Joined: 03 Feb 2006
Posts: 1503
Location: Pike Hole

PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 11:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Romo, Romo, Romo, Romo......

Texan
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ffishman
Master Angler


Joined: 02 Feb 2006
Posts: 1977

PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 6:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I will trade you 3 Rex's for one Romo
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The Texan
Master Angler


Joined: 03 Feb 2006
Posts: 1503
Location: Pike Hole

PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2006 8:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

FF, toss in Urlacher and we may have a deal...
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Mon Dec 18, 2006 3:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in
the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When
the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his ********* and
not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in
the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Mon Dec 18, 2006 3:55 pm    Post subject: PIT BULL ATTACK IN ANN ARBOR Reply with quote

An 8 rear old boy was riding his bike in Ann Arbor, MI. When he saw his friend being attacked by a large pit bulldog. The boy jumped off his bike, ran & jumped on the dogs back. After prying the viscious animals teeth from his young friends body, he put the dog in a choke hold & held on until the dog was dead.
The local newspaper editor happened to witness this feat & after calling for the ambulance on his cell phone, ran over to the young hero & said, " Son, that was one of the bravest things i have ever seen. You're going to make tomorrows headline. It will read : Michigan fan is hero; Risks his life; saves young friend from viscious pit bull attack."


The youngster said, " Thats nice, but i'm not a Michigan fan".
The editor said, "Ok, then it will read: Michigan St. fan saves young friends life from pit bull attack."

Once again the young man interrupted, saying, " I'm not a Michigan State fan, either."

The editor, becoming somewhat irritated, asked, " Then who is your favorite team?"

The kid replied with a big smile, "OSU"

The next morning, the local newspaper headlines read :


BELOVED FAMILY PET MURDERED BY LITTLE IN-BRED PSYCHOPATH


Last edited by BlueDuck on Wed Dec 20, 2006 9:08 pm; edited 1 time in total
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The Texan
Master Angler


Joined: 03 Feb 2006
Posts: 1503
Location: Pike Hole

PostPosted: Wed Dec 20, 2006 5:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Get us back on track BD...

Texan
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ffishman
Master Angler


Joined: 02 Feb 2006
Posts: 1977

PostPosted: Wed Dec 20, 2006 7:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like that one gene. I've heard it before, but it still cracks me up.
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Thu Dec 21, 2006 4:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In true Holiday spirit --
=============
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all his co-workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the postal workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever Thank You enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those arseholes at the Post Office.
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ffishman
Master Angler


Joined: 02 Feb 2006
Posts: 1977

PostPosted: Wed Dec 27, 2006 4:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

gene, this one's for you
CHICAGO BEARS FANS


We Chicago Bears fans amuse ourselves by scaring every Green Bay
fan we see strutting down the street with that obnoxious green &
gold "G" on his coat. We would swerve our cars as if to hit them,
and then swerve back just missing them.

One day, while driving along, I saw a priest walking. I thought I
would
do a good deed, so I pulled ov er and asked the priest, "Where are
you going Father?"

"I'm going to give mass at St. Francis Church, about 2 miles down
the road," replied the priest.

"Climb in, Father! I'll give you a lift!"

The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and we continued
down the road. Suddenly, I saw a Green Bay fan walking down the
road, with that "G" coat on and I instinctively swerved as if to hit
him. But, as usual, I swerved back into the road just in time. Even
though I was certain that I had missed the guy, I still heard a loud
"THUD."

N ot understanding where the noise came from, I glanced in my
mirrors but didn't see anything. I then remembered the priest, < /SPAN>
and turned to the priest and said,

"Sorry Father, I almost hit that Green Bay fan."

"That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door."
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BlueDuck
Angler


Joined: 25 May 2006
Posts: 253

PostPosted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 9:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man was at work one day when he noticed that his
co-worker was wearing an earring.

This man knew his co-worker to be a normally
conservative fellow, and was curious about his sudden
change in "fashion sense."

The man walked up to him and said, "I didn't know you
were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal of it, it's only an
earring," he replied sheepishly.

His friend fell silent for a few minutes, but then his
curiosity prodded him to say, "So, how long have you
been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
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Gowdy
Angler


Joined: 03 Feb 2006
Posts: 335
Location: OUTER SPACE

PostPosted: Sun Dec 31, 2006 12:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ffishman,

That one is a classic!!!!! I've printed it out and am having it framed!!

Take care,

Gowdy Cool
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The Texan
Master Angler


Joined: 03 Feb 2006
Posts: 1503
Location: Pike Hole

PostPosted: Mon Jan 01, 2007 11:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

DANG!!!!! Twisted Evil

Texan
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gene
Master Angler


Joined: 22 Jun 2004
Posts: 1850
Location: Elmhurst, IL

PostPosted: Thu Jan 04, 2007 5:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I laughed pretty good at this one-
=========================
The String and the Spoon - A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.
Last week we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange... When the busboy brought our water and utensils I noticed he also had a
spoon in his shirt pocket...

Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets...

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting
firm to revamp all our processes. After several months of
analysis they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save ! 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies...

So before he walked off I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we could save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
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ffishman
Master Angler


Joined: 02 Feb 2006
Posts: 1977

PostPosted: Thu Jan 04, 2007 7:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good one gene, remind me not to eat in that restaurant. On the real life side, I heard that UPS to save time, will not allow their drivers to make LEFT turns. All turns have to be right turns. And they had a class to teach them how to, get in the truck, close the door, buckle up, and start the engine, ALL IN ONE MOVE. Go figure that. This is not a joke, its true.
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